December 21, 2022 | Catholics believe sexual relations are reserved to those in a sacramental marriage between one man and one woman. The Church teaches that God created men and women with complementary sexuality so that, when joined in a sacramental marriage, they can come together to procreate. The resolve to follow this Church teaching can pose challenging situations for those that have loved ones who have adopted the LGBTQ label, may be dealing with gender dysphoria and may have moved away from actively practicing their faith.

Family members are often left feeling torn between accepting their loved ones who experience same-sex attractions and remaining true to the teachings of the Catholic Church on the morality of homosexual actions.

Recently, there has been an increase in family members left hurting as they deal with this very difficult cross, according to Suzann (last name withheld for confidentiality reasons), a co-facilitator for EnCourage. It’s an apostolate in the Diocese of St. Petersburg that provides pastoral care for families and friends of people who experience same-sex attractions and or gender discord.

We spoke to Suzann and Clare, EnCourage facilitators, about the work of the apostolate, and how they are helping families receive help and encouragement to understand the experience of their loved ones more deeply, to foster healthy relationships within their families, and to deepen their own relationship with Christ.

Can you describe a bit about what you do in your role?

We receive phone calls and emails from family members, mostly parents, whose loved ones have identified as gay or transgender. We pray. We listen. That first communication is usually raw with painful emotions from the person seeking help.  

In that first communication we offer our five goals for EnCourage and ask if they are in agreement with each goal.  If they share our goals, we trust this apostolate is the support they are seeking and invite them to our in-person support group. 

Can you tell me, in general terms, a bit about who makes up the local chapter you lead?

We have moms and dads, godparents, grandparents, spouses, close friends, and siblings. Some join our group for one or two meetings simply to get a direction, then rely on our website www.couragerc.org for resources and online support if desired.  We have members who have been with us for five years.

Why is it that people seek out this apostolate and what is your guidance to them?

People come to EnCourage asking "How can I save my child/loved one? What can I do to fix this problem?” First, we try to take away the burden of presuming they have to save their child or loved one.  We remind our members that it is our Lord Jesus Christ who is the Savior.  We are to draw close to our loved one, if possible, and learn about our loved one’s story. We are to strengthen our faith and trust in God by participating in the Sacraments of Confession and the Holy Mass, spiritual direction, and frequent visits to the Blessed Sacrament to rest in our Lord.

We remind parents that, in most cases, they really did work very hard to raise their child well. We remind parents that once their child is an adult, they have no control over choices the child makes. As much as it hurts us to see our children suffer from poor choices, we are not responsible for those choices. We help parents acknowledge that they may have made mistakes and they were not perfect. We remind them only God is perfect and in the Sacrament of Reconciliation He forgives them, even for big mistakes.

What’s the biggest issue they face?  

The biggest issue is fear of being separated from a loved one who insists on full acceptance of the LGBTQ ideology.  Many of our loved ones tell us they are personally offended by the Church’s teachings and unless we change our beliefs to match the LGBTQ ideology, they will not have a relationship with us.

At EnCourage meetings we try to help members find ways to remain in relationship with their loved ones in spite of these different views on sexuality. 

With the shift in culture and gender dysphoria cases rising, have you seen a rise in families needing assistance on how to navigate that?

Yes, there has been an explosion of gender dysphoria, especially among young women.  About a third of the families that come to us are seeking help dealing with gender dysphoria. EnCourage can offer an extensive list of resources for parents dealing with this issue.

What is your advice to parents who have had a family member reveal they are attracted to someone of the same sex?

We all want the best for our loved ones and that always means living within God’s plan. In most cases, our loved ones already know what the Church teaches about God’s plan for sexuality. When a family member reveals he or she experiences same sex attractions, it is natural to feel distressed. Parents often react with anger or sadness. 

Ideally, the parent will calmly respond to someone who is “coming out” with love and compassion.  This is an important time to stop and really listen to the story, then tell the person he or she is loved unconditionally.

If the loved one has a faulty understanding of the Church’s teaching on sexuality, there are good resources to explain the teachings at a later time, after the loved one has had a chance to tell his or her story and been assured, he or she is deeply loved.  There is often a temptation to inundate our loved ones with reasons why LGBTQ ideology is wrong.  It is better to briefly state the case once, then work on affirming your love without affirming the behavior. 

EnCourage can come across as an organization that asks families to “pray the gay away.” How do you respond to that?

EnCourage absolutely does not ask families to “pray the gay away.” I think our mission statement says it best. 

EnCourage members work together to understand the experiences of our loved ones and to respond to them with compassion. We know it is possible to express love for someone even if we can’t support all of their choices or actions. We find spiritual guidance to grow in our relationship with Christ and community support from other members to help us remember we are not alone on this journey.

What should a Catholic do if a family member begins a relationship with someone of the same sex?

When at all possible, stay in relationship with the loved one. Get to know the partner.  It is permissible to acknowledge the same-sex partner as a friend of your loved one, but not as an intimate partner.  For example, everyone could meet at a restaurant to share a meal and conversation, but the same-sex partner could not share a bedroom with your loved one in your home. 

It is reasonable to set boundaries on what is acceptable in your home and in your company. Communicating those boundaries with charity and truth is difficult.  Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you. 

In every situation we have observed how very raw emotions begin to fade into peace.  This peace is from trust in Jesus that He is with us.  This peace truly is palpable.  When people can share with others going through a similar situation, they are able to hear their own voice, their own story and the tightness begins to release. As members, we share and listen in mutual support.

EnCourage is part of Courage International, Inc. an apostolate of the Catholic Church that offers pastoral support to men and women experiencing same-sex attractions who have chosen to live a chaste life. They support those who experience same-sex attractions and are committed to following the Church’s teaching on chastity, or those who have a family member or loved one who struggle with gender dysphoria.

Courage International received canonical status in the Roman Catholic Church as a diocesan clerical public association of the faithful, making it the only canonically-approved apostolate of its kind. It was founded in 1980 and has expanded to over 175 Courage chapters worldwide to include a chapter in the Diocese of St. Petersburg.